Barversations: What The Price is?

The door burst in. Steve limps past us holding up one shoe and says, “When I find that lady that doesn’t pick up after her dog, I’m going to shit, Right on her porch!” He makes his way to the bathroom. The bar laughs.

Steve sticks his hand out for the door. “I’m serious, and when I do?” He opens the door turns back at the bar, “You’ll know exactly who this bitch is.” Steve vanishes behind the closing door.

Smiles return to moments before and the conversations continue again.

Howard talking to the Bartender, “What the hell, I’ve looked for love in the newspapers, I’ve called those chat lines, I’ve done the craigslist and a bunch of those other sites, I even tried my luck at facebook and myspace, you know looking for a relationship but all I can find is people who are interesting who I have no desire to make love to and hookers to fuck who have no personality.”

The bathroom door opens Jays leaving with his head turned back, “Oh I know.”

Jay sits back at the bar to the right of Susan, she lifts her beer, “All he knows is it’s a big dog and a little woman.”

Jay puts a finger out, “Excuse me Miss.” he lifts the bottom of his shirt to his nose, sniffs then drops his shirt, “Good, felt damp just wanted to make sure it was water.”

Susan says, looking at her drink, “It’s one big free range kennel.”

Randy turns to Frank, “What do you do for a living?”

“I cook and occasionally screw up people’s orders so I can get something to eat.”

Randy takes a drink, “That only works for a while, be careful. All you need is a kid to walk in looking for a job after a screw up with a loud ninny.”

The TV plays on today’s distractions, a static that no one is paying attention to.

The Bartender says to Howard, “Well I know 2 things that equal one, if the bar is full before it rain’s I make the same amount of money if it’s a hot day.”

Butte, turns from the end of the bar, “I mean what are they making off life? Is this a diving board or a plank you got me on?”

Laughter.

“I say dear god let me swan dive if they’re going to give me the heave ho. Kiss my ass!” He throws his hand up like it’s full of glitter.

One squeaky shoe is heard coming from the bathroom. Steve sits next to Susan.

In front of her next to her drink is a tiny plush duck the size of a fist.

Steve points at The Duck, “What that is?”

Susan, “It’s a duck.”

“Some one give you that?”

“No I bought it.”

“You like ducks?”

“Not especially it was so raise money for curing a disease.”

“We sho’ need some. D’s Doctors only care to make you sick and keep you that.”

Susan points at the duck, “Here’s what I wonder, now how much of the money does this little stuffed animal I bought actual go towards… you know a cure… so it costs this much to make, got to pay for the labor you know, and then well shipping, receiving, then sent out, you need head quarter people, phone people who file, and of course you got to pay for advertising and office materials… don’t forget, buttons, t-shirts and bumper stickers. So when you pay 6 dollars for this little I am changing the world! You actual put 2 scents towards helping some one other than that you just help the organization get by till the next fiscal season.”

You can hear little drips from Steve’s wet shoe.

He looks at the duck then looks at Susan then back to the duck, “Ain’t that a bitch.”

Jay lifts his shirt to his nose again and sniffs his eye’s looking toward the brim of his hat still holding his shirt; dropping it he swivels out and makes his way to the bathroom.

Susan looks at the TV but only hears silence.

Barversations # I knew this one chick pt.1

Category: Life
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I knew this one chick, who every part of her looked like a potato her nostrils looked like potato’s, the bulb of her nose nose looked like a potato. Her cheeks, forehead., her chin, I mean everything, even her fingers looked like a bunch of spuds. She never had sex and her boyfriend said all she let’s me do is titty fuck her. I said do you use canola or do you spit?



Wonder if he ever got her in the eye. I think it’s the funniest thing and I’ve done it and it was during the pull out method, I shoot so far if there on their back, I’ sure to get them in the face.

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You should offer goggles.

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They laugh, take drinks and feel the cool.


Actually there was this other chick, she looked like a hog, and well I did her everywhere one night and I kept getting chills when we did it face to face.


Daryll stirs a bit in his seat.


Her face felt dead. I felt a dead person before and her face felt dead. The rest of her was warm, her pussy was warm but her face felt dead, never did it with her again.


silence.

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Daryl says man you ever been with some real spooky women?

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Nothing more than one, who would binge drink and would pass out while we’re fuck’n. Felt like I was with a corpse. I said fuck this and jerk off in the bathroom.

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Yeah I been with a few girls like that, pill and boozes, was she taken pills too?

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Sure was poppin'm like they were mike and ike’s.

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Silence.

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Daryl drops his drink and runs the cool water on the back of his neck, “There was, well I hope she’s ok but she was stressed hard by the neck runners and well she once said she wanted me to kill her by eating her alive.

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Fuck that, drop that pan.

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No it was strange man, I tried to help her, it was crazy, I started to cry while I was still in her and she was like come on and started groping me.

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What?

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Yeah, she was an agent of sorts.

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What’cha mean?

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She tried to turn me into a killer.

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I met them widows.

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I once gave myself a concussion to get this crazy woman off me, I hit myself in the head and said is this what you want? She backed up off me, and I said well go on with your dumb self, she went to the bar all night and I sat up with a pillow in the corner, propped myself up so my head wouldn’t hang and I wouldn’t fall over.